confessions of a reformed tourist
One night when Bean was about eight months old, we took the subway from my dad’s house in The Bronx to my friend’s apartment on the Upper East Side. He was still Snugli-bound back then, so it was an easy trip. Pleasant. Fun. We had a good night. He found her stash of cat food [...]
My brother has one of those video cameras with a little screen that you can flip around. I guess so that you can use it to tape yourself? Yeah. He brought it out on Tuesday to record Bean blowing out his birthday candles and opening his presents. At first he kept the monitor where he [...]
It started about two years ago when Bean first figured out that neither his grandmother nor I have a penis. He was AMAZED. For a while afterward, he’d randomly point at one of us and say, “No penis?” He’d ask me. Then his grandmother. And his babysitter if she happened to be there. Once we [...]
A few weeks ago Bean was really into Batman. George Clooney-Batman, believe it or not. He saw the movie and he thought Poison Ivy was “so pretty, especially her hair”. He also informed me on more than one occasion, in a very SRSBSNS tone of voice, that “this is why Superman works alone.” So I asked [...]
“You may call me Bean or Honey. And I will call you María.” He spoke those words to me yesterday, in response to my saying, “Joaquín! Don’t climb on the kitchen table, please!” A few hours later he told me that he and his grandmother went for a walk to the pond. I asked, “Oh, [...]
I have a long, clumsy history of screwing up my feet. Like the time I went camping and stepped on a rusty nail. Or the time I walked barefoot into the Hudson River and stepped on a broken bottle. And then there was the Donnie Wahlberg incident, wherein I decided to dismantle the cheap-o frame [...]
Bean loves the library. It’s always difficult to convince him to leave. Today was no exception. I dealt with it by whispering, Bean. Honey, come closer. Mommy wants to whisper a secret in your ear. So he forgot about his tantrum and allowed me to pick him up. As I was helping him get his [...]
I swear, every time I think he’s gotten as gorgeous as one human being can possibly get, he goes and kicks the bar higher. And yeah, I’m his mother so clearly I’m biased, but I also know empirical beauty when I see it. Bean and I had a fantastic time taking these. My dad got [...]
The other day I caught Bean behind the DVD player, mucking about with the power cords. I freaked. Jack! What do you think you’re doing! Fixing the plugs, Mommy. WHAT? You don’t fix plugs! You don’t TOUCH plugs! You know that’s dangerous! I’ve told you about electricity! You never ever ever touch those cords! Don’t [...]
Bean has developed a bad habit. When I’m speaking and he wants to be speaking he just yells over me. He did this this morning at the breakfast table. I’ve told him before that this is rude and he should not be rude to his mommy, blah blah blah. But today I decided to ask [...]
