Letters from Grenada

The other day I caught Bean behind the DVD player, mucking about with the power cords.

I freaked.

Jack! What do you think you’re doing!

Fixing the plugs, Mommy.

WHAT? You don’t fix plugs! You don’t TOUCH plugs! You know that’s dangerous! I’ve told you about electricity! You never ever ever touch those cords! Don’t you know how badly they could hurt you?

I won’t get hurt, Mommy.

WHAT? You will so! And do you know what will happen to Mommy if you get hurt?

You’ll be sad.

YES! And do you know how long I’ll be sad?

For a very long time.

NO! Not for a very long time. FOREVER! MOMMY WILL BE SAD FOREVER!

Don’t worry, Mommy. If I die, I’ll just come back.

JACK! PEOPLE DO NOT COME BACK AFTER THEY DIE. WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

You did. Right before you died, you said you’d come back and you did. You came back.

At this point in the conversation, he’s still totally calm and I’m getting hysterical. Which is bad mommy protocol. I know this. So I close my eyes and breathe deeply and rub my temples and try to figure out what in the holy hell he’s talking about. I died and came back and WHA’ WHA’ WHA’ WHAT?

And then I remember. A conversation I had with him when he was not even two years old. I was going to New York without him, leaving him in Grenada with his grandmother. Right before I left I told him that I was going away but I’d come back, and that I wanted him to remember that no matter what, Mommy will always always always come back.

So I explained. That that’s not what Mommy meant. That Mommy wasn’t dead, Mommy was just in New York. I don’t know how well he understood me, though, so I’ll have to revisit this until I’m sure that he gets that death is permanent.

Oy.

The universe and Bean. They tag-team me.

Posted on January 17th, 2010 under Grenada • Tags: death, family, from the mouths of babes, joaquin the illustrious bean, love, motherhood, scary. •  Print This Post •  Email This Post • RSS 2.0 feed • Both comments and pings are currently closed